On Mindfulness with NightShade

[2022/02/21 18:35:34] BetttyVerdant: no I get it

[2022/02/21 18:35:46] NightshadeXx: oh, when are you going?

[2022/02/21 18:35:56] BetttyVerdant: wheels up tomorrow

[2022/02/21 18:37:14] NightshadeXx: I'm so fucking flustered,  Last night we ran short shift because someone didn't come in, because his mom is sick   I wish I could just tell them all to fuck off,

[2022/02/21 18:37:23] NightshadeXx: well... I'll be sure to email

[2022/02/21 18:38:15] BetttyVerdant: I love zen but sometimes I think it's not for the lives we lead

[2022/02/21 18:38:41] BetttyVerdant: it's just a *little* help if you already have no problems

[2022/02/21 18:39:17] NightshadeXx: yes...

[2022/02/21 18:39:47] BetttyVerdant: same with drugs

[2022/02/21 18:39:53] BetttyVerdant: just get you to next week

[2022/02/21 18:43:36] NightshadeXx: yeah

[2022/02/21 18:50:25] BetttyVerdant: I guess I am off for awhile

[2022/02/21 18:50:36] BetttyVerdant: good luck

[2022/02/23 20:30:39] BetttyVerdant: wave

[2022/02/23 20:30:45] NightshadeXx: oh heeey

[2022/02/23 20:31:09] BetttyVerdant: seems my cell phone plan gives me enough data to pop in to second life - even watch a movi3e

[2022/02/23 20:31:25] BetttyVerdant: but second life is pretty data hungry

[2022/02/23 20:31:59] NightshadeXx: yes it is,  be careful of overages

[2022/02/23 20:32:01] BetttyVerdant: we could find another way to chat if you feel like it

[2022/02/23 20:32:18] BetttyVerdant: just plain old video refresh I think

[2022/02/23 20:32:27] BetttyVerdant: but not terrible just not a good use of data

[2022/02/23 20:33:07] NightshadeXx: well im in a live show right now henson for another half an  hour,  but there's always messenger and whatnot

[2022/02/23 20:33:21] BetttyVerdant: YAY

[2022/02/23 20:33:23] BetttyVerdant: good for u

[2022/02/23 20:33:32] NightshadeXx: well im not in, im at

[2022/02/23 20:33:35] NightshadeXx: bwhaha

[2022/02/23 20:33:45] BetttyVerdant: ah well

[2022/02/23 20:34:00] BetttyVerdant: moving over to facebook - easier on my G's

[10:51:56] (You): wave

======

5:34

M Allen	Tue, Mar 8, 5:53 PM (5 days ago)
to me

So, you blew your Cell data, and you spent an 1000 dollars In Ubers, what have you been doing to keep you so busy? Have you gotten the work done you were there to do? How is Calgary treating you? Let me know… I’ve been wondering about you.

 

On my end, things have been par for course. Uh work is still all over the place, I haven’t really been doing a lot my self, finished  a video game,  going around in head circles, that’s always fun. I’ve been wondering when I got caught in this spin trap and how to get out of it, a friend of mine says I’m being haunted and that’s always fun. I’m feeling very self centered and irritable most days, and just sort of off center at the same time, getting caught up with things I think I want to try, and then back pedaling, lately I can’t seem to get sex off the brain and that’s been very trying, especially considering sometimes I want to put on makeup get fabulous, and others I’d rather just accept myself for the big awkward hairy man I am.  I have job opportunities here, but they are all centered around the one port here in town whose future to me seems dubious, however I do have options, but I miss my trade out there… I’m caught wanting too many things at once, getting frustrated, putting on weight fast…and getting angry about it.

 

As far as SL goes I met a musician that was pretty cool he showed me a virtual tour of a huge studio filled with dozens upon dozens of musical instruments of all kinds,  It was very impressive.  Otherwise I haven’t really been on there much, I guess I keep getting side tracked… and I find myself missing some people out West, I know you can be happy anywhere, and I know you can be miserable anywhere, but I can’t seem to get a handle on changing that state of mind. The people in my life certainly don’t make it any easier, but that’s likely due to my indecisive inaction not knowing what I want it keeps changing... Meanwhile the price of gas is nearly 2bucks a liter and inflation is rising, War is breaking out, and I know its going to get hard times ahead so I gotta get my shift together, but I don’t even know what that means for me, I’ve only ever spent my life over playing games, and I don’t want to throw away everything I was, but I’m struggling with who I want to be, I’ve lost my sense of wonder. That’s just me though, its sort of disjarred ranting and venting, you don’t need to pick apart what I’ve said and try to fix anything, I’m just putting it out there, I wonder what have you been up too, and how have you been?

 ========

[10:52:24] NightshadeXx: hello

[10:52:27] (You): I was absorbed in scripting school - did not see u

[10:53:21] (You): feel like a visit?

[10:54:48] NightshadeXx: its okay im just barely concious today, worked night, up for a few hours before try to get some more sleep and work again tonight.  I cn come by

[10:55:27] Second Life: Teleport offer sent to Nyx (nightshadexx)

[10:55:38] (You): hi

[10:55:57] NightshadeXx: hello

[10:55:58] (You): this is my scripting laboratory

[10:56:01] (You): and the outfit

[10:56:25] (You): idea is to be "public" just in case wife peeks in before her eyes glaze over

[10:56:56] NightshadeXx: very wizardy, oh right on

[10:57:05] (You): exactly

[10:57:09] NightshadeXx: well that makes sense, how is the scripting going?

[10:57:21] (You): most of the time avi is not showing anyway

[10:57:24] (You): very good

[10:57:46] (You): I am following this book step by step

[10:57:57] (You): $L 1400 I think

[10:58:02] NightshadeXx: ohhh thats not bad

[10:58:05] (You): I can wear as a hud

[10:58:25] (You): a friend gave me 3 chapters same book

[10:58:34] (You): so I can keep a page up ...

[10:58:47] (You): in case of confusion there is a lot of info in the WIKI

[10:58:49] NightshadeXx: ooh that's nice for referencing things

[10:59:19] (You): I keep a few test boxes arond

[10:59:46] (You): but I want to put all the useful scripts in a zero cost box

[10:59:58] NightshadeXx: i see one text bpx. what do the others do?

[11:00:02] (You): sometimes I want to be here in a different accoiunt

[11:00:12] NightshadeXx: ok

[11:00:29] (You): this one dies on touch

[11:00:56] (You): poof after 10 seconds

[11:01:07] NightshadeXx: hahaha neat

[11:01:22] (You): mostly really simple shit

[11:01:38] (You): main thing is to get into the habit of typing accurately

[11:01:53] NightshadeXx: you mean  like no spelling mistakes?

[11:02:06] (You): yes and all the brackets matching etc

[11:02:17] (You): on the macpro, text is tiny

[11:02:27] NightshadeXx: cant enlarge it?

[11:02:30] (You): I have an editor but it's "dumb"

[11:02:34] (You): only so far

[11:02:34] NightshadeXx: whys that

[11:04:08] (You): well really the macpro screen is very small, highly detailed

[11:04:42] (You): https://gyazo.com/832c37c91cec5cf64a27d25259310918

[11:05:04] (You): that is editor full screen - but its dumb - doesn't know keywords etc

[11:05:21] (You): I have a monitor coming on Tuesday from amazon

[11:05:26] NightshadeXx: oh nice

[11:05:58] (You): so in the big editor, I can type what I want then paste to second life where things get painted and checked

[11:06:10] (You): actually debugging tools are quite good

[11:06:42] NightshadeXx: why is that?

[11:07:28] (You): for anything serioius you want to go through step by step, check variables etc

[11:07:50] (You): I kinda get off on this stuff :)

[11:08:04] NightshadeXx: well its good to play into things you enjoy

[11:08:15] (You): it's what got me into computers in the first place - just the fun of it

[11:08:23] (You): I had no idea you could make a living at it

[11:08:41] NightshadeXx: coding in general? or the scripting side of htings?

[11:09:08] (You): the whole idea - very good for the brain

[11:09:28] (You): I mentioned the idea of thinking about reverse-engineering consciousness ...

[11:09:35] NightshadeXx: yes

[11:09:39] (You): if you know what SORT of thing a computer is ...

[11:09:54] (You): and what SORt of facilities must exist to produce experience

[11:10:11] (You): you can imagine the brain as a computer but ...

[11:10:23] (You): (a) capacity is vast - for all intents infinite

[11:10:32] (You): (b) it's analog/associative

[11:10:57] (You): meaning things activate when other things LIKE then activate

[11:11:21] (You): (c) vastly parallel - more like a hologram than a multi processor PC

[11:12:03] (You): once you develop the right metaphor, experinece itself becomes so much richer

[11:12:50] (You): I want to put at least an outline in my blog

[11:13:14] (You): but it depends on half a dozen books that kinda resist summarization

[11:14:28] (You): but in the meantime I just love to look around and move in the real world  -amazed at how the brain hallucinates a world that is so smooth, so connected and full of objects that are automatically recognized

[11:15:12] (You): lately I have began wondering about brain waves - obviously there is some kind of "pulse" involved, going from moment to moment

[11:15:56] NightshadeXx: More like the frequency which your existence vibrates, sometimes it feels more like we ar etuning forks playing the hymn of our brainwaves

[11:16:01] (You): one thing - I have more or less abandoned the "traditional" view of "self"

[11:16:18] (You): yes - like that

[11:16:43] (You): or like the refresh rate in cpu memory or on a monitor

[11:17:11] (You): the Oculus Quest is a useful metaphor

[11:17:28] NightshadeXx: in a way yes, the rig can output a potential of f255 fps, but if t he monitor is capped at 60 hz you canonly go 60 fps,

[11:17:50] (You): as you move your head around, the screen moves smoothly to present what you would expecct - the fact that it is re-drawing itself is invisible

[11:19:44] NightshadeXx: unless it starts stuttering

[11:19:49] (You): waves used in consciousness are "alpha" about 4 hz

[11:19:59] (You): sorry 40

[11:20:31] (You): that's pretty fast - produces a very smooth "hallucination"

[11:21:03] NightshadeXx: right

[11:21:05] (You): simple experiment - walk up to a coffee can, pick it up, read the label

[11:21:10] (You): totally smooth

[11:21:26] (You): and a huge amount of grey matter is called into use

[11:21:42] (You): reading involves a big chunk of your brain

[11:22:05] (You): but you also recognize the coffee can as a can, where it is in the room, how to pick it up ..

[11:22:40] (You): none of this just pops into reality - a baby learns it bit by bit

[11:22:47] NightshadeXx: you see its shape, probably wonder how much is in the can, you need to prepare the coffee, there's a process to that, the desire for thecoffee, the expectations

[11:22:49] (You): you can watch her learn it

[11:22:53] NightshadeXx: its fairly layered with everything we do

[11:23:05] NightshadeXx: a baby is pure experience they just see thigns and interact ith them

[11:23:06] (You): yes all that

[11:23:16] NightshadeXx: unbridled by fear of consequence evefythign is new and no assocication

[11:23:17] (You): not just perception, intention, memory

[11:23:46] (You): so I have scrapped "Mindfulness" meditation

[11:24:05] (You): now I just watch my mind generate the hallucination

[11:24:14] (You): not just viual

[11:24:24] (You): emotional too ...

[11:24:30] NightshadeXx: yes

[11:24:35] (You): where does that "Poor me" feeling come from?

[11:24:40] (You): how does that FEEL ?

[11:25:43] (You): my wife and mother in law are being swept up in unpleasent feelings of all sorts

[11:26:17] (You): mother in law is avoiding panic about death and instead panics about the price of bread

[11:26:38] NightshadeXx: oh,

[11:27:04] (You): but she can be "in the moment" esp when there is something sweet to eat

[11:27:39] (You): all this gives me some direction - what I am trying to do with the 2 of them (even the dog)

[11:27:50] NightshadeXx: and what is that?

[11:28:18] (You): the conventional "zen" idea is to be in the moment, let go of the past and worries about the future

[11:28:24] NightshadeXx: yes

[11:28:35] (You): the taoist idea is don't take your philosophy too seriouisly

[11:28:44] NightshadeXx: agreeable

[11:28:46] (You): follow the Tao

[11:29:11] (You): Tao is "going with the flow" of REALITY ITSELF

[11:29:34] (You): not inflation, trucker strike, Trump, war in Ukraine

[11:29:49] (You): don't let somebody tell you what is important

[11:29:56] NightshadeXx: but those things are apart of our reeality

[11:30:09] (You): well

[11:30:20] (You): you can hallucinate a reality where Putin is next door

[11:30:31] (You): stupid example ...

[11:30:35] NightshadeXx: i have met people who do worry about that actually

[11:30:40] (You): all my life I have had issues with my toe nails

[11:30:58] (You): FINALLY wife bought me some nail files

[11:31:08] (You): so now my socks and shoes fit

[11:31:16] NightshadeXx: ok

[11:31:22] (You): I have been suffereing from that all my life

[11:31:33] (You): thinking about economics, mathematics, world affairs

[11:31:58] (You): but 5 feet away from my brain, my toes are telling me to pay attention

[11:32:12] (You): so what is "important"

[11:32:37] (You): what should this astonishing brain be processing?

[11:33:04] (You): a deer out back eating the shoots of new flowers or the siege of Kiev?

[11:33:16] (You): of course you can do BOTH

[11:33:22] (You): but not at the same time

[11:33:54] (You): "mindfulness" idea is to have a "ground state" - a NORMAL frame of mind that has to do with deer and toes

[11:34:35] (You): sorry bla bla bla - I don't really know what I think until I try to explain it

[11:36:53] (You): I am thinking of the process - from one moment to another

[11:37:04] (You): each moment is LIKE the last]

[11:37:42] (You): so you think about Putin, maybe next thought is nuclear war, then where will you hide, then what's the point ...

[11:38:09] (You): you are moving through emotional brain states, not perception

[11:38:18] (You): you have lost the moment

[11:38:24] (You): in a way you have lost YOURSELF

[11:39:09] NightshadeXx: well, I started this process because I found myself losing heart in what I loved, my story telling, table top games, and creativity, getting bogged down in the terrible things happening in my family, and at some point i became convinced that the only way to redeem the terrible things I'd done was to let go of everything from my old existence, and its created a terrible sense of self.     I've for the moment a certain sense of this world is going to go poorly in my life time and make this current ripple of events seem like the rumble before the earthquake.   So I've been struggling with, do I embrace my kinks, desires, and explore life go all in.....     do I take a new job that pays double but it is insecure, should i go back to the west, move out from my mom,  and all of this starts at a sense of self, and the ego, how to dislodge a person from inaction to action.    Yes I have lost myself, but the self that I know is continually growing which is my point, at what point can I tell if my lack of interest in

[11:39:09] NightshadeXx:  things that I loved, is me bieng over thinking about it, or me growing out of it.

[11:40:01] NightshadeXx: All things come full circle so to speak, or they try too, so if the self is continually growing its somewhat like a snake shedidng skin because there's only so much......time, energy and output a single person can produce

[11:40:10] NightshadeXx: so as we grow we naturally shed parts of ourselves.

[11:42:10] (You): maybe

[11:42:28] (You): my dog is ruled by a core of instinct

[11:42:38] (You): hunger mainly

[11:42:57] NightshadeXx: well Im also coming to terms with that there's no real right answer for anyone, and everyone seems to have different routes to go upon that suit them

[11:42:58] (You): her "consciousness" is all about what is good to eat, where to find it, how to find it

[11:43:02] NightshadeXx: yes

[11:44:34] (You): she   feels fear, loneliness, affection, confusion

[11:44:49] (You): we experience all this too

[11:45:07] (You): it "paints" the hallucination we experience of the world

[11:45:18] (You): it paints the cookies on the counter

[11:45:28] (You): or the snake under the bed

[11:46:02] (You): but for us, it's a two-way process

[11:46:16] (You): we can NOT eat the cookie, see that it's a sock under the bed

[11:47:25] (You): we can also experience our bodies - what the cookie "feels" like, how the sock raises our pulse

[11:48:10] (You): so the idea is to NORMALLY experience the hallucination as peaceful, interesting, wonderful

[11:48:32] (You): with the "animal" feelings creeping in to disrupt things

[11:49:11] (You): like, it's another wonderful day but perhaps a shower would be a good idea ...

[11:49:40] (You): or ... hmm I feel a bit jittery - too much coffee? maybe pass on that 5th cup

[11:50:06] NightshadeXx: self awareness you mean

[11:50:22] (You): Mindfulness = self awareness

[11:50:58] (You): but with an eye to improvement - less BS and harmful thoughts

[11:51:10] (You): more reality, more constructive, useful thoughts

[11:51:20] (You): self acceptance, not self-criticism

[11:51:33] (You): not guilt, not regret

[11:51:42] (You): "Im' OK you're OK"

[11:52:03] (You): my wife and mother in law suck at this

[11:52:29] (You): wife is always in a state of panic with an impossible infinite "to do" list

[11:52:44] (You): constantly blaming herself for whatever

[11:53:11] (You): mother in law CAN live in the present nut falls down "rabbit holes"

[11:53:34] (You): she obsesses over a coat she lost 20 years ago for example, thinks her son in law stole it

[11:54:12] (You): can't stop herself - although she doesn't need the coat and knows the feelings about the son in law are dreadfully distructive

[11:54:19] (You): but she is 102

[11:54:27] (You): her brain is rotting :))

[11:55:07] (You): what can I do? Offer her a cup of tea or a nice piece of pie :)

[11:56:02] (You): bring her back to herself. Get her listening to her basic animal feelings of hunger, safety, companionship ...

[11:56:07] (You): fuck the coat

[11:56:57] (You): with wife, long walk with the dog, talk about trees, plants, dogs, weather ...

[11:57:27] (You): "live" in the physical task of walking, perception

[11:58:13] (You): i'd love to put her up against a tree and fuck her but we don't do that kind of thing any more :))

[11:59:28] (You): for her, she needs a "time out" from her "to do" list, all her regrets and self-blame

[12:00:20] (You): it would be interesting to know what YOU need ...

--------

[12:03:32] NightshadeXx: Well I don't know, where does a need begin?

[12:04:11] (You): found myself losing heart in what I loved, my story telling, table top games, and creativity, getting bogged down in the terrible things happening in my family, and at some point i became convinced that the only way to redeem the terrible things I'd done was to let go of everything from my old existence, and its created a terrible sense of self.     I've for the moment a certain sense of this world is going to go poorly in my life time and make this current ripple of events seem like the rumble before the earthquake.   So I've been struggling with, do I embrace my kinks, desires, and explore life go all in.....     do I take a new job that pays double but it is insecure, should i go back to the west, move out from my mom,  and all of this starts at a sense of self, and the ego, how to dislodge a person from inaction to action.    Yes I have lost myself, but the self that I know is continually growing which is my point, at what point can I tell if my lack of interest in

[12:04:44] NightshadeXx: yes that is what i said, but I don't where a need begins, over thinking ends, andwhat to do with all these new directions

[12:04:46] (You): is it possible for you to put all that to one side for awhile?

[12:04:52] (You): even 5 minutes?

[12:05:06] NightshadeXx: I don't seem to be given much a chance,  I mean I have put them aside sometimes b ut I never comr to a conclusion

[12:05:30] (You): perhaps you are like my wife, always multi-tasking but not very good at multi-tasking

[12:05:41] NightshadeXx: When I firfst got my pc

[12:06:01] (You): if you never come to a conclusion maybe they are "ruts" like the coat

[12:06:21] NightshadeXx: I was consistently multi boxing like a machine, I had several msn messenger windows up, and could play two characters  at once in mmorpg's if anything Ive multi tasked too much

[12:06:40] (You): maybe you can clear your mind for a few minutes - walk around, feel the wind on your face ...

[12:07:11] NightshadeXx: yes I've done that, I've stood out on the bridge and let the cold atlantic slap me a few times,   I've stood in the shwoer letting cold water pour over my head

[12:08:02] (You): i'm just suggesting you find a "ground state" - a kind of blank blackboard

[12:08:19] (You): be able to find it any time, anywhere

[12:08:32] (You): esp when you are trying to sleep

[12:08:47] (You): but maybe in times when you have hours and hours to yourself on the jub

[12:08:50] (You): job

[12:09:07] NightshadeXx: that's when things are the worst though

[12:09:09] NightshadeXx: my job

[12:09:25] (You): surely you have 15 minutes NOT to jump down rabbit holes

[12:10:37] (You): in my own case, I think I am stupid not to find 20 mins a day for yoga

[12:10:42] NightshadeXx: is literally to sit there, and do nothing on night shifts and Im used to being busy, to moving when i sit still I can't stop I can't think I can only kepe my self occupied or my brain starts over loading becasuse its fucking bored and starts tearing at everything. Arguments that have never happened, fights taht are to come and YES i sit there and do mindful breathing and try to ground myself.

[12:10:48] (You): get back in touch with my body

[12:10:55] NightshadeXx: Yes I've tried that off and on

[12:11:53] (You): bottom line, we are both alive, safe, well fed with options many don't have

[12:12:19] (You): lots of our suffering is self-inflicted

[12:12:23] (You): (Buddha)

[12:12:34] NightshadeXx: Yes, well if I could just turn it off I wouldn't have to bang my head against doors and windows

[12:12:48] NightshadeXx: Budddah didn't have the internet

[12:12:55] (You): haha

[12:12:57] (You): nope

[12:13:12] (You): to him sufferning was things like starving to death

[12:13:16] (You): in person :)

[12:14:19] (You): I was mostly off the internet for about a week - turns out I don't need to "check in" all the time

[12:14:24] (You): I was not missed

[12:14:45] NightshadeXx: yes, i was happy to have a broken phone for two weeks, but jesus fuck did everyone make me suffer for it

[12:14:55] (You): "FOM" Fear of Missing Out

[12:15:37] (You): in the end we all live in that little bubble hallucination

[12:15:59] (You): it can be a bubble of peace and control or a self-constructed hall of horrors

[12:16:07] (You): nobody really gives a shit but you

[12:16:41] NightshadeXx: you say that but the n umber of times i've had to fight off my two mother figures from sticking their fingers into my shit and trying to reconstruct my life is exasperating

[12:18:19] (You): gocha

[12:19:13] (You): that sounds kinda fundementa

[12:19:18] (You): fundamental

[12:19:41] (You): you don't seem to own your own shit :)

[12:20:36] (You): do your "mothers" know how you feel about this?

[12:22:19] NightshadeXx: I'd really rather own my shit, that's one of the biggest reasons why I want to get the fuck out fo my moms house.    No, they don't listen,  my first mom is my biological mom, and my second is my sister who raised me more than my parents did until she went to university, oh and they hate each other so that's fun.     And I can't talk to them, sister is literally dealing with abusive teenager the second one she's had, and there are cracksin her home and my biological mom would rather I never leave home again, and  the inherent nature of shit Im starting to feel like Ive stayed too long and im stuck in a trap

[12:22:20] (You): i'd say you are having enough trouble deciding who you are for your "mothers" to be constantly poking in with their "suggestions"

[12:22:37] NightshadeXx: yeah well that's never stopped them before

[12:23:00] (You): but to they know how that makes you FEEL?

[12:23:32] NightshadeXx: No, I can't get them to listen and now the harder i try I can FEEL my jaw locking itself shut between so much that has happened

[12:23:42] NightshadeXx: so many lies and misconceptions

[12:24:58] NightshadeXx: and like  biological mom really looks after my cats and she just makes a comfortable unpleasantness, but tis just so frustrating to feel married to her, toxic even and i know i'm unfairly short with her but she gets under my skin like needles

[12:25:19] (You): I need to get to "real life" -- feel free to write me an email. Tell me about the moms and how you FEEL about that situation.

[12:25:39] NightshadeXx: sure I'll do that then I gotta fart around and try to snooze before night shift

[12:25:50] (You): perhaps how you think the moms feel ...

[12:25:58] (You): sounds good

[12:26:15] (You): Feelings are at the root of it all

[12:26:32] (You): they boil up and make it impossible to enjoy life

[12:26:36] NightshadeXx: well feelings here get bottled up and left to rot into toxicity, but that's a story for another day

[12:27:00] NightshadeXx: alright go to rl